17. Boundaries: What They Are and Why You Need Them

Hi, I’m Natalie Ottosen and you are listening to The Mindset School for Soulful Entrepreneurs, episode number 17.

Welcome to The Mindset School podcast, a show for spiritual entrepreneurs who are ready to stop feeling stuck, reconnect to their soul’s purpose, and create a deeply fulfilling life and business. I’m Natalie Ottosen, transformational life coach, and reconnection healing foundational practitioner, and I can help you scale and grow a six-figure business from a place of inner authority, wisdom, knowledge, and truth.

If you are a spiritual entrepreneur and you are looking to take that first step towards your dream of running your own business, this is the show for you. Ready to step into your power and move forward with clarity and purpose? Let’s go.

Hello, beautiful soul family. Have you joined the 30 day self-love challenge? We are a week in, and it has been so much fun and so amazing so far. The feedback that I'm getting, the messages that I'm receiving, so much fun. If you haven't joined yet, join. You still have time left. It is free and who doesn't need more self-love? So I am showing up on Instagram every day. I'm doing a reel, or an Instagram live or a story. If you haven't joined already, come, and join the 30 day self-love challenge. It is such a beautiful opportunity to dive a little bit deeper into giving yourself some more self-love.

Speaking of self-love, let's talk about boundaries. So I was going to talk about this last week, but then I had my graduation from Master Coach training come up and I thought we have to talk about celebrating ourselves because that is so important. So this topic, boundaries, it has actually been coming up quite a bit recently with my clients and my community. In fact, I had a couple of clients this week and it actually came up with both of them. So I wanted to talk about kind of what boundaries are and what boundaries are not.

And I know for many of us, I know for myself here, I'll just speak for myself, and I know I can speak for some of my clients too. If you were not raised with boundaries, if you had parents or religions or teachers who did not model appropriate boundaries, then there's a really good chance that you really don't know what boundaries are.

And it's so important to learn what they are first and foremost, and then how to set them in your own life so that you can start moving forward in a really powerful way. Because lack of boundaries can show up in many different ways, and I'll kind of talk about that in a minute. But where it ends up going with most of my clients because I am a spiritual business coach and because I work with spiritual entrepreneurs, so many times it shows up as energetic boundaries. So that's kind of the area I want to focus on most today. There are all sorts of different boundaries.

There’s physical boundaries, so that is talking about determining appropriate distance and touch and level of intimacy with different people in your lives. There's the emotional boundaries of what to share and not share, being vulnerable, engaging, those types of things. There's mental boundaries of your beliefs and opinions about yourselves and others. And then there's relationship boundaries and those have to do with all the different relationships in our lives, with your spouse, with your parents, with your children.

And we also have time boundaries. So time boundaries really involve saying no to requests or delegating tasks or creating that space for self-care and personal priorities. And then now our newest one is kind of this digital boundary, which seems to be a bigger and bigger topic as we are being more bombarded. It’s so interesting, Meta just came out with their threads today and I just thought, one more platform that we have to engage in. As if we're not consumed enough by social media, the TikToks, the Instagrams, the Facebooks, all that, which I do love.

I love the ability to be able to connect and in fact I had a really beautiful conversation with somebody on one of my reels today. And we were talking about values. And she basically had said, “The values that you shared aren't really what I was thinking about.” And then she came back and kind of responded and said, “I keep thinking about why you care.” And I care deeply. In fact, connecting with my community, connecting with my audience, connecting with you, matters so much to me, because number one, I believe that we're here to love each other and we are wired for connection.

And so I think as we go through this process of connecting on social media, which has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The relationships and the connections I have gained through these digital platforms has been life changing and life altering. And we also have to make sure that we're setting those appropriate boundaries when it comes to these digital platforms because they can kind of take over our lives. And I've seen this and witnessed and experienced this in kind of my oldest son's age group, and actually even watching my youngest son.

Let me say how important it is to set boundaries as parents and even as you become young adults with all of this media because it's really important that we're able to establish and maintain our own health and self-care and personal growth through the process of all of these digital platforms being thrown at us. So again, there's a couple of different areas of boundaries. But I wanted to kind of talk about what boundaries are not. And I think a lot of times we get a little bit confused on what we think boundaries are.

But boundaries are not attempts to control or punish other people. They're also not ultimatums or demands on other people. Boundaries are in no way, shape or form trying to control other people, which is actually a boundary violation. So what are boundaries? Boundaries truly are a way to communicate our needs, our values, our limits to other people. It's a way of promoting self-respect and self-care. It's a way of understanding where we end and where somebody else truly begins. And it's really important to be able to communicate boundaries and get very clear and really respect our own boundaries.

Also, according to Google, boundaries are guidelines. They're parameters that individuals establish to define how they engage with others, to protect their well-being and maintain a sense of autonomy and self-respect. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, mental, or relational in nature and they help establish healthy and respectful interactions with others. So really, boundaries are about promoting our own self-care and protection. They are not a way to force people to change or do what we want. And they're also not about pushing people out of our lives. They're about having healthy relationships with the people in our lives.

I was talking with a client earlier this week because we were doing an energy healing session. And in that energy healing session we were talking about reinforcing and expanding her energetic field. And the more that we're able to be in that resonance and be in that alignment, it's almost like building a muscle. And so any time that we're out of alignment or in an environment that we don't feel like we should be in, saying yes, when we should really say no.

Or when we're giving to people when we're not really wanting to or we're feeling emotionally drained by others or other people are physically in our space when we don't want them there. Or we're in a physical space where we don't want to be. Or we're having a really difficult time expressing ourselves or our needs and what we want because we're afraid of rejection or conflict or disappointing somebody or whatever else. Or maybe we're not showing up on time. We're not being impeccable with our own time or other people's time.

Maybe you're not fully engaged in what you're doing. Or you could even be dealing with maybe some emotional dependence where maybe you're in a relationship where you're feeling like you're needing that person versus having that independence for yourself. Or you really have a hard time separating your own opinion and expectations versus other people's opinions and expectations. Those are boundaries. Those are how they can show up in our lives. And when we're not clear about those things it becomes really confusing.

And the story I was telling her was about this event that I was at several months ago. It was this beautiful experience. I was doing lots of healing sessions and things like that. And there was a point in time where my energy said, it's time to go. We need to leave. It's time to go. I had to go tell the person who was hosting this event and I said, “Listen, I need to go. It's time for me to go.” And she was a little confused and puzzled. But ultimately my energy was very clearly telling me it's time to go.

And my client said to me, and I can't remember if she said, “I've never experienced that”, or it was something along those lines. And I thought, it's so important that we understand boundaries because when we're unclear about our boundaries, we're unclear about our own energy and again, where we kind of end and where other people begin. And we end up staying in situations around people, places, and things where we don't want to be because we don't know what it looks like and how to direct that in our own lives.

So that is one of the things that I really love working with, with my clients is getting very clear about where you end, and where somebody else begins. And that's why I do all of these exercises. If you go back to the beginning of the podcast and start from the beginning, that's why I share all these things. So that you can become so aware of who you are and what you're doing, and you get very clear about your values and what matters most to you so that you can start operating, making decisions that when something isn't right for you, you can say, “You know what, this doesn't work for me. And I need to leave. It's time for me to go.”

That is having healthy boundaries. There's also a lot of misconceptions around boundaries as well, things like boundaries are selfish. So when you set a boundary with somebody, you're just being selfish or self-centered and nothing could be further from the truth. There is nothing more healthy and balanced and full of self-care than you having, first of all, a healthy enough relationship with yourself that you can set that boundary. But then it's also about building that relationship with the people in your lives.

People also talk about how boundaries are walls. Again, boundaries are not about building walls. It's about having healthy relationships and interactions with the people in your life and doing in a way of if you're going to do this, then I am going to have to do this. It's setting that clear expectation so that people know what to expect when they're with you because we're adults. Unless you're dealing with children and that's a whole another topic. But when they're adults, they get to decide how they're going to react, respond, behave. And then you get to decide how you're going to react, respond and behave.

They also talk about boundaries being rigid. And again, you get to decide what boundaries look like for you and you get to decide if or when somebody violates that boundary. Now, if you put a boundary in place, you need to be ready to follow through with the consequences of that boundary if somebody violates it. But also you get to decide if it's something that you want to follow through on. People also talk about boundaries as being rejection. Again, boundaries are not about pushing people away. Boundaries are about bringing people closer to you in healthy, constructive ways.

Again, so many of us, I know for myself, I was not raised with boundaries because my parents weren't raised with boundaries. So it's really hard to learn behavior when it wasn't modeled for you. And this isn't a dig at my parents. This is just it was something they didn't learn and so by default it was something that I didn't learn. And I had to really go to therapy and work with my therapist on setting healthy boundaries. And initially for me, I had a situation with my mom where setting a boundary with her meant I didn't communicate with her for a while. And I'm not saying that you do that with anybody in your life.

I am saying for me personally, in order to have effective communication with my mom, it meant that I couldn't communicate with her for the time being. And then once I was able to build that boundary up, then we were able to communicate. And now we have a glorious, beautiful, amazing relationship, the best relationship we've ever had. So I just want to offer you that boundaries are not about rejection, especially when you can do them in a healthy way and it's always coming from love. Boundaries are about bringing people closer to you in your lives.

People will also say that boundaries are controlling, they can be if they're done incorrectly. So again, boundaries are not about controlling, manipulating, ultimating, demanding of people. Boundaries are, this is my expectation, so this is my boundary, communicating it clearly. And if you do this, then I'm going to do this. But it's never an ultimatum of you need to do something or else type of a thing. So I think it's really important to kind of talk about that as well when we talk about setting boundaries.

So again, I wanted to kind of talk about energetic boundaries and how energetic boundaries show up, which really involve protecting your own energy and setting limits on how much energy is devoted to maybe work related activities or family related activities. And as spiritual entrepreneurs, especially when we're dealing with other people and we're healers and we're empaths and we want to help this beautiful world. Sometimes it can be hard for us to establish the appropriate boundaries in order to communicate even with our clients. So it really does start with getting really clear about who you are.

The more you're able to understand who you are, the more you're able to really kind of set these things in place, saying no when you need to say no, keep your time commitments when you need to keep your time commitments. Not over-give when you need to not over-give, not emotionally drain yourself or take things on that aren't yours. Express what needs to be expressed, even though it could possibly create conflict. Setting those personal boundaries when you need to set those personal boundaries, things like that.

So there's a few ways that I wanted to share with you, a few tips on setting boundaries for yourself. And a big part of that really does start with self-awareness. And that's why if you go to the beginning of the podcast, I go through all of these steps of learning to develop self-awareness so that you can get very clear. I've said this multiple times in this episode already. Get very clear about where you end, if you took a piece of chalk and you drew a circle around yourself, where do you end and where do other people begin?

When you're able to do that, you are able to start identifying the boundaries in your life. And it really does start with putting those personal boundaries in place. Maybe it's personal boundaries. Maybe it's relationship boundaries. Maybe it's even business boundaries. So putting those boundaries in place and then being able to really communicate them in an effective way. Again, if you do this, I'm going to do this, and you really do want to start small.

So this isn't about going and throwing boundaries out everywhere because boundaries get tough because when people violate our boundaries, we then have to follow through on the consequences with them. And that also means that you're going to have to do some extra self-care, taking care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally. Maybe you need to spend some extra time in the gym to work out some of these feelings. I used to stress clean. And sometimes it's learning to say no.

And I'm going to tell you, the people who have benefited the most from you not having boundaries, they're going to have the hardest time with it because you're no longer going to be doing for them where you were before. And always seeking support through this process, I'm here, there's therapists, there's friends, there's family. It depends on who you're setting those boundaries with. But, so I wanted to go through and kind of break this down a little bit further on some practical steps, some practical tips that you can do to help create healthy boundaries in your life.

So number one is clearly defining your personal values and priorities. So take time to identify those core values. I think I talk about it in episode five. But really get clear about your values and your priorities in your life, what matters most? Because if people are doing things that go against your values and priorities, but you don't really know that, it's hard to really kind of set that boundary. So defining that for yourself is going to help you really be able to get clear. And then establish those boundaries that really align with those values that enable you to make those decisions that support your well-being.

It doesn't mean those things can't change, because I think that some of our values and priorities change over time. But getting clear about it initially and then deciding if you want to change that down the road, know that that can happen.

Number two is set clear limits on your time and availability, especially as a spiritual entrepreneur, especially when you're setting up a new business or you're scaling a business. Determine how you want to allocate your time and set very clear boundaries around when you are available to others. If you are a coach and you have a client load and you're telling them you're available 24/7, does that work in alignment with your other values and priorities in your life? Maybe you need to tell your clients that I'm available through this time, through this time, you’re unavailable Monday through Friday from 9:00 to 5:00pm or whatever that looks like, but really getting clear around those boundaries.

And how you are available to others. Also communicating your availability to your friends and your family and your colleagues. My husband has worked in the car business his whole life, our entire marriage, 17 years. And when he's home, we don't get to spend a lot of time together, so when he's home, that is the time that I dedicate to my family. He's off on Wednesdays and he's off on Sundays, I don't take phone calls, I don't schedule appointments, I don't see clients. Those are the times that I spend with my husband because that's important to me. That is a boundary that I set.

And so if I have friends call or things like that, I don't answer the phone during those times off because that's what's important to me. Sometimes they forget or whatever else and it's not a big deal, but that is a boundary that I set for myself. So making sure that you're using your calendar, schedules and time blocking techniques to honor that time boundary for yourself. Practice saying no without guilt. No, is a complete sentence. And as a people pleaser and perfectionist and all of the things, this has been something that's been really difficult for me, and I know it's difficult for my clients as well.

And as an empath and a healer and a coach I want to do and help all the people in all of the things. So learning to say no when a request or a commitment doesn't align with you or your priorities, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed.

I think I mentioned this story before I was heading on vacation where I had somebody ask me to meet with them about being on their podcast. And I just, I was in a space where I was overwhelmed and overloaded, and it just wasn't possible. I asked her if we could meet when I got back, and absolutely that was not a problem and we're going to chat soon and I'm going to be on her podcast soon so stay tuned for that. And we don't have to be rude or mean or anything else. Sometimes we have to set that clear boundary but practicing that assertive communication, kindly but firmly declining or negotiating alternative solutions, things like that. It's a great skill to practice.

And remember that saying no, it truly is an act of self-care and allows you to preserve your energy for what truly matters. And again, I love human design and I love astrology and there are some of these signs and human design where saying yes to something that is a no for you, especially as generators, that's a big deal. It is out of authenticity and alignment with who you are. So some of those things when we say yes, when we really mean no, that really does throw us out of alignment. And this is all about bringing us into alignment with who we really are because when we're operating on that level, doors and energies open up to us.

Number four is communicating your needs and expectations. So, clearly expressing your needs, your expectations, and your boundaries to others. I think I talked about this two episodes ago about the self-love. Number one, we can't expect other people to know what we need, want, feel, etc., etc. People are not mind readers. We have to communicate with them how we're feeling about things and what's happening for us. And we can't just expect them to know what we need, want, or feel. So very clearly communicating your needs, expectation, boundaries, so important. It also allows you to have healthy and respectful relationships as well.

Again, when you're using I statements without blaming or criticizing others, and you're focusing on your own feelings and experiences. Again, if you do this, then I'm going to do this type of a thing.

Number five is creating physical and emotional space. So establish physical boundaries by defining your personal space and communicating your comfort levels regarding touch and proximity. I went to lunch with somebody from a networking group and I'm a hugger, you guys, not everyone is huggers. And it was so fascinating because when I saw her, I had been communicating with her back and forth. I'd seen her at this networking event. And then we had gone to lunch together and as soon as I saw her, I gave her a hug. And as soon as I gave her a hug, I stepped back and I went, “That was not appropriate. I needed to ask if she wanted to hug or whatever else.”

We need to not impose our lack of boundaries on other people as well. And I actually did apologize to her for hugging her because I could feel it instantly that she was uncomfortable, so I did apologize and told her I was so sorry for doing that. She said it was fine and all was well. So getting really clear about your personal space and then also not assuming that everyone has the same limits or lack of limits or the same personal boundaries that you do.

Number six is practicing self-advocacy. So advocate for yourself by speaking up when your boundaries have been crossed or violated. When you feel uncomfortable, address the issue calmly, but be assertive about it. Expressing how you feel, you can express how the situation impacted you and request that somebody change that behavior or the circumstance. So standing up for your needs and ensure that you are respected.

Number seven is regularly assessing and adjusting your boundaries. Like I said a few minutes ago, these can change based on your values and priorities. So check in with yourself periodically to evaluate if your boundaries are still serving you and your well-being. As circumstances change in your lives, you might grow and evolve and may not need that boundary anymore or it may need to be adjusted. Maybe the boundary shifts and changes. So be open to reassessing and redefining what your boundaries look like as needed to ensure that they continue to support your overall well-being.

For me, many cases in the beginning, if I felt uncomfortable in the situation, I needed to leave. I don't always have to do that now. I'm not affected emotionally like I used to be when I was learning to have physical boundaries and then creating my energetic boundaries. So I'm really clear about who I am now. And so being in a space where people are unclear about who they are, that's no longer a problem for me. I can stand in my knowledge and my truth and my knowing and be in those spaces.

Some other tools for you in the process of really helping you set those boundaries, especially those energetic boundaries, is practicing meditation, doing grounding exercises. So the more you can kind of ground your energy in and really connect with earth and really ground in your chakra pillar and your root chakra, the more you can really, again, define that energetic boundary for yourself. You can also practice clearing techniques to protect yourself from being overwhelmed or drained around other people as well.

Back in the day, when I used to be around other people, I could really, I really picked up on energy of other people. And so I used to have to put energetic boundaries around myself. I don't have to do that now.

But I had somebody, interestingly enough, I had somebody reach out to me yesterday and with permission I'm sharing the story. She was talking about, her friend is a medium, a psychic medium, and she asked me about trance mediumship. And I said, “Well, tell me a little bit more about it.” And so she was telling me how she felt like she was coming out and how other energies were coming in. And my first question to her was, “Well, do you want this to happen?” And then I proceeded to talk about how, if the answer is yes, okay, cool.

If the answer is no, then we need to work on really grounding in our energy because our energy has to be bigger than the other energies that we're working with. And if she's a medium for other people, she needs to be able to ground her energy in deeper because she may have more people that are coming to her. She may have stronger energies coming to her. And when we work in energy healing, the same applies. When I'm working with clients, some clients can have really big energy and if I'm not grounded in my own energy then their energy can kind of take over. And again these all tie into those boundary things.

So and I had asked her, I said, “How does she do with boundaries in her life?” Because if she's not good about setting boundaries with the people, places, and things around her in her life, she's having somebody try to come in and interject in her field. So she needs to set that really clear boundary of, this isn't happening, unless again, she wants that to be taking place.

So those are just kind of some examples on what's coming up for the community, my community, my clients and talking about this really important subject. And honestly, this is a very big topic. And I could probably break this into four or five episodes, honestly. So I just want you to remember that when you're creating healthy boundaries number one, it's a very personal process. You get to decide what your boundaries are, what they look like, and how you want to define them for yourselves. And it does take some time to not only establish them, but to practice them in a very effective way.

So be very patient with yourself through this process, and also remember that setting and maintaining boundaries, it truly is an act of self-love. And ultimately benefits you and the person that you're setting those boundaries with. It is also about bringing relationships into our lives, not pushing them away. So I hope this helped. I hope you maybe heard something that you needed in this episode. I also want to remind you again to come join the self-love challenge.

And if you have any questions or if this is something you struggle with, reach out to me, book a consultation call and let's chat because I really believe that these are part of the foundational steps that help us move to those next levels. Again, going back to this conversation that I had with this friend whose friend was dealing with the mediumship. In order to hold bigger energy and as healers and spiritual entrepreneurs, I believe that we have a bigger calling right now.

And as that bigness is coming to us, we have to be able to hold more energy, but we also have to get really clear about our own boundaries, our own personal space, our relationships with our people in our lives, what works for us, what doesn't. And so when these things come up, I think it's really important that we get really where we can see it, the self-awareness piece. And really decide what’s that next growth step look like for us. And really learning how to anchor in our energy so that we can really move to that next level, that next evolution, that next cycle if that makes sense?

So I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions, please reach out if this is something you're struggling with, let's jump on a call, and join the self-love challenge because we all need more self-love and that's all part of all of this boundary stuff as well. So I will see you next week. All my love.

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Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of The Mindset School. Ready to dive deeper into finding your purpose and create a deeply fulfilling life? Visit soulsistercoaching.com for more guidance and resources. See you next week.