15. The Power of Self-Love: How to Take Charge of Your Own Happiness

Hi, I’m Natalie Ottosen and you’re listening to The Mindset School for Soulful Entrepreneurs episode number 15.

Welcome to The Mindset School podcast, a show for spiritual entrepreneurs who are ready to stop feeling stuck, reconnect to their soul’s purpose, and create a deeply fulfilling life and business. I’m Natalie Ottosen, transformational life coach, and reconnection healing foundational practitioner, and I can help you scale and grow a six-figure business from a place of inner authority, wisdom, knowledge, and truth.

If you are a spiritual entrepreneur and you are looking to take that first step towards your dream of running your own business, this is the show for you. Ready to step into your power and move forward with clarity and purpose? Let’s go.

Alright you guys, another amazing topic today. I am actually recording this at the same time that I did episode 14 because I’m headed to the lake. And I’m going to be out of commission, so unavailable. So I’m super excited to be talking about this topic because I truly believe it’s one of the most important topics that we can ever talk about and it’s self-love and loving yourself. So I’m going to start off with a very unpopular opinion. Self-love, loving yourself, this is your job, and it is an inside job. It is nobody else's job but you to love yourself and to give yourself what it is that you need. And for the record, all of my clients basically talk about this.

In fact I’ll just share my own experience because this is something that I struggled with in my own life. So way back in the day when I first got married, all of us have conflicts in relationships. If you don't have a conflict in relationship then I'm not sure you have a relationship because I mean conflict can just be there. So I remember talking to my therapist back in the day about all the problems my husband had, because everything was his fault, not mine. And so I remember talking about how there was things that I wanted from my partner. There was things I wanted him to do for me or whatever it was.

And I remember back in the day he told me, which this is not generally how therapy goes but he said, “Whatever it is that you need for yourself, if it’s love, if it’s attention, whatever it is. You need to be the one giving that to yourself. It's not his job to do that for you.” I was floored and I was so mad. I was like, “Well, what's the point of being married then? If my partner can’t give me what I need, then what’s the point in even being married?” 17 years later, we actually just celebrated our 17th anniversary. He wasn’t wrong.

So the very thing that I needed for myself, the things that I needed, the love, the attention, the self-care, all of that, I had to give that to myself. It was and never has been my husband's responsibility to give that to me. Now, it doesn't mean that we don't have expectations and it doesn't mean that we don't ask for things. But it also doesn't mean that they have to do it, or they don't have to give it. So I can ask my husband for something but if he chooses not to because he's an adult and he gets to do whatever it is that he wants. I get to not make that mean something about me.

And so you may be asking, “Well, what's the point in relationship then?” And I truly believe the point in relationship is that we just get to love the people that we’re with. And everything else is our own job and anything else on top of that is a bonus. So I was recently talking with a client about this, who’s struggling in her own relationship and here's the other thing, this is what we do also is we want our partner to give us things. We want their time or attention or connection or whatever it is that we want from our partner but so many times we don't even know what it is.

We don’t even know what our own needs are but then we expect our partner to give us what it is that we need. So I always bring this back to myself, if I’m my own client or to my clients to say, “Whatever it is that you’re asking from your partner, you need to figure out how to give that to yourself.” And so this topic of self-love and loving yourself. It really has kind of come to the forefront with many of my clients. And I know you’re probably going, “Well, this is an entrepreneurial show.” But it matters because it really is the foundation because your relationship with yourself is your first and foremost relationship.

So it's your number one relationship and then everything builds and expands from there. So if you're not taking care of yourself and taking care of your own needs how do you expect to expand upon that? So I want to talk a little bit about self-love versus even arrogance because they are two very distinct concepts that can often be misunderstood or conflated. So I want to just explore the differences between them really fast.

So self-love really is a healthy and positive regard for yourself. It involves accepting and embracing your own worth and recognizing your strengths and your weaknesses and treating yourself with kindness and compassion and respect. Self-love is all about acknowledging your value as a human being and practicing self-care to nurture your physical, mental, emotional well-being. So again, kind of going back to that whatever it is that you need, making sure that you’re giving out to yourself. It is also not dependent on external validation aka others.

Arrogance on the other hand is an inflated sense of self-important or superiority. It's really kind of characterized by an exaggerated belief in your abilities or your knowledge or your achievements. And it's often accompanied by a dismissive attitude towards others. Arrogant individuals tend to overestimate their own worth. They belittle or demean others and they seek constant validation or admiration in order to fuel their own ego. Arrogance is really this belief that I'm better than other people. While self-love is rooted in a healthy sense of self-worth, arrogance stems from this kind of distorted exaggerated perception of your own importance.

So I thought it was important to kind of distinguish between the two before I went a little bit deeper into self-love. So obviously lack of self-love can show up in a couple of different ways, well, in many ways but self-criticism can be it. Where you are talking really negative to yourself or there’s judgment or shame or you just kind of have that inner dialog that is pretty harmful. Perfectionism can be one of the ways that lack of self-love is showing up or even maybe self-neglect, not taking care of yourself, not prioritizing yourself, not having boundaries.

Maybe you're doing a lot of people pleasing, again putting other people's needs, wants and desires above your own. Maybe it’s comparison and jealousy. So you’re often comparing yourself to other people. It can show up as self-doubt or even fear of failure. You're looking for external validation instead of relying on your own inner knowledge and knowing and self-worth. Again, it can kind of go into difficulty setting boundaries with other people. You could be, again, avoiding some self-care and really lacking some of that compassion for yourself. And honestly, this can vary from person to person.

I know for me when there was lack of self-love I did a lot of negative self-talk. I didn't believe I was worthy of anything or anybody. And it was really destructive. I would self-sabotage relationships. I would self-sabotage projects or I would quit before I even began because I wasn't worthy enough to do that. So that’s some of the ways that lack of self-love could be showing up for you. And I think it's also important to understand why it's important, why does self-love matter?

And again, when we’re talking about life or business, self-love is kind of that foundation to be able to help move you forward. It doesn't mean you can't move forward without it, because people accomplish great things who maybe don't have a lot of self-love. But in order to move you to those next levels you do really have to go in and start doing that work because it creates a healthy self-esteem, which is crucial for being able to develop and move forward. It really does help you bring that emotional well-being to the forefront. So kind of having that peace and that contentment and self-acceptance, it helps to set boundaries, loving boundaries.

Remember, boundaries are about having relationships with people in our lives, not ruining those relationships. When you are setting boundaries with the people you love and you have that self-love it’s such an easier process because you are wanting, you're protecting the relationship but you’re also protecting your own energy to cultivate again those relationships that you want. It also helps with resilience and self-care because when you love yourself, truly when you love yourself you make those things a priority. You prioritize your physical and your mental and your emotional and your spiritual well-being.

You engage in practices that nourish and recharge you, allowing you to be able to cope with some of these things like stress and burnout especially when you're running a brand new business as an entrepreneur, to create more of that work life balance or just that balance in general. It also creates this fulfillment and authenticity. When you love yourself you are able to live a more authentic and fulfilling life because you’re embracing who you truly are, you’re honoring your values and you’re pursuing your passions to create the life and business that you truly desire.

And this ultimately leads to a greater sense of purpose, joy, and satisfaction in your life. It also helps with healthy relationships because when you're able to take the responsibility off of other people and bring that back to yourself, you are able to magnify that out on such a deeper level, on such a wider level. So not only are you radiating that out but you’re bringing that frequency in as well. You're resonating on a different energy field, which attracts healthier and more fulfilling relationships. It also creates that standard of how you want to be treated.

Again, it's that ripple that comes back. So it’s the relationships in your life are really built on that mutual love and that respect and that support. And again, when you take that responsibility off of your partner, to meet your needs and you look at me meeting your own needs, they get to just show up and love you and you get to just show up and love them. Again, it doesn't mean that you don't make requests, or it doesn't mean that you don't have expectations. It just means that you aren’t requiring them to give you what you need. It also creates a lot of empowerment and assertiveness.

I don't know if you set a mantra for the year, I've done this for years back now, I've done this for probably about seven or eight years now. And one of my mantras was, I'm stepping into my power. And that was the year that I took my real estate business from 5,000 to 250,000 in real estate because I was repeating every day that I am stepping into my power. So this self-love, it has a lot to do with bringing that empowerment, that it’s that assertiveness to advocate for yourself and to step into your power and to step into your truth and become the most beautiful human being that you can possibly be.

It really does allow you to communicate more effectively and make decisions that align with your best interests and assert your boundaries in various areas of your life as well. So ultimately self-love really is a foundation for a healthy and fulfilling life. And I say this all the time, it's an ongoing practice. This is never a one and done. This is something that you constantly get to figure out because you’re a human being and you’re changing all the time. You’re changing, you’re adapting and you’re also uncovering different layers of yourself as you get to know yourself on a deeper level.

You’re uncovering that next layer of what matters to you, what you value, what's important to you, what kind of relationships you want in your life, what kind of relationship you want with yourself. And what does love look like to you? What does self-love look like to you? And I want to really offer you the opportunity to take the responsibility off of the people in your life to meet those needs and to truly start meeting those needs for yourself because it's not their job. And again, I know that this is an unpopular opinion, but it truly is not somebody else's job. It is your job to love yourself, to give yourself what you need, ask your partner to love yourself and give yourself what you need.

And when you do that you are more accepting of yourself. You are able to embrace your imperfections in a whole new way. You're able to cultivate a deep sense of compassion and kindness towards yourself which then ripples out to other people. And when you love yourself you truly create a solid basis, a solid foundation of well-being so that you can continue to grow and have meaningful connections with yourself first and then with others. And this is so much of the work that I do with my clients, that it starts with you first.

I think I talked about this in episode one about creating the foundation. When you have a house you can’t start putting up walls until you have that foundation because it will all crumble, it will all collapse. You have to truly build that foundation first, which is the relationship with yourself because that's the number one relationship you’re ever going to have in your life. And then you build from there. And if you have a good healthy relationship with yourself you can start building that with other people as well.

So I offered my client the opportunity to take a 30 day challenge to find all of the ways that she could start loving herself more. And I also offered her to look at all the different ways that she was wanting her partner to give her what it is that she felt she needed. So that requires you to know what it is that you want and if you know, that’s fantastic. So you can write this list. If you don't know then I want you to start exploring, what are all the different ways that I am looking for x, y, z? So maybe it's connection, maybe it’s a deeper relationship, whatever it happens to look like.

So I want you to explore over the next 30 days what this looks like for you. And if you're interested I am actually as of July 1^st, I am going to start a self-love challenge and I want you to join me. So I am going to do a 30 day self-love challenge. And we are going to work on something every single day. And I am going to send you out an email. So if you want to join this challenge, I’m going to send it out. I’m also going to post it and I want you to join me on the self-love challenge to figure out how you can really truly love yourself more.

Can you do one thing every day to get to know yourself on a deeper level, to amplify that self-love and to really connect to yourself on a deeper level? And I promise you, I promise you if you do this exercise, not only will you deepen the relationship with yourself, but you are also going to deepen the relationship with the people in your life as well. So join me for the 30 day challenge. I am going to put the link to the challenge in the show notes. And I will also be doing some stuff on social media as well.

So you can join me @soulsistercoaching on Instagram and let's do this 30 day challenge. And let's see, maybe I’ll even do a quiz before. So where are you at right now on a scale of one to ten? So I’ll put that in there as well. So we’ll start off with a quiz. How do I feel about these areas of my life right now? And then we'll do a quiz after and see how you're feeling before and after.

So I hope that this was helpful for you today. If you have any questions as always, reach out to me @soulsistercoaching on Instagram. And love yourself a little bit more, you deserve it. Alright, you guys, have a great day. I will see you next week. All my love.

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